Such raw emotions...

For the past 7 years, January has always been a very emotionally difficult time of year for me.  I've not blogged about it every year, but on a few occasions, I have.  Perhaps some years are harder than others.  

http://lifewithmyflock.blogspot.com/2012/01/4-years-ago-today-was-first-day-of-rest.html

http://lifewithmyflock.blogspot.com/2014/01/our-6th-year-anniversary.html

To add to these already raw emotions, last January 22 I lost my mother.  So, this January was greeted with very bittersweet and mixed emotions, numerous painful anniversaries and such anticipation and joy of the upcoming addition to our family.  I had such great fears that my son may share his birthday with the anniversary of my mom's death and I am so greatful that he chose his own day.

I was blessed with an awesome homebirth, which I always dreamed of.  We welcomed a beautiful, perfect baby boy to complete my family.  I should be flying high on my new baby bliss the way that I always have...but instead, I just sit and stare at the beautiful eyes that now stare back at me.  It's a horrible feeling to feel so happy yet be so sad.  The postpartum period is fragile....very, very fragile.  Hormones, mixed with already raw emotions were quite a lot to bear on their own but added to that is the fact that I do have struggles with this being my last baby and there has been a great turmoil over our new baby's name and other things coming to light in the midst of all of this just leaves my head and emotions spinning out of control.

We aren't good at naming babies together...we just aren't.  From the moment of getting a positive pregnancy test, the arguments over names begin.  The naming game used to be one of my most anticipated moments of pregnancy, but these last few pregnancies it has been the most dreaded aspect of being pregnant.  Our name tastes are just too different, we are both extremely stubborn, and we can't agree to disagree on this topic...but we can't agree either.  

We spent 10 months "hashing" names this time.  Everyone thought we were witholding his name, which was not the case at all.  We just coudn't agree.  Since Falcon really didn't care about naming the baby after anyone, I was adamant about him having a certain middle name...one that I had not used yet but it traced back many generations in my family so it was important for me to give it to my last son.  We finally had a list of names...but most automatically got the boot for one reason or another mostly because we couldn't agree on a full name versus the nickname, or I simply couldn't pronounce the name correctly, etc.  Oddly enough we ended up with two names in the final days.  One, was originally my idea which I grew to hate because while I liked the full name, I didn't like the nicknames so I was clear in that, I disliked the name alltogether so it honestly should have came off the list.  The other name was originally Falcon's idea...one he grew to unfavor as well, but one that ended up really growing on me. Days before, I asked Falcon out of the two, which he would choose.  He answered my original choice and i was crushed because i would choose his original name.  So, our precious son was born before coming to any agreement on a name.  Hours passed....still, no name.  Pressures mounted as news spread of his arrival, still...no name.  No discussion of any name.  Nothing.  As I laid in bed, that night, still on my birth "high"...in a blur I remember mention of naming him.  Honestly, I don't even remember much of it, but I do remember feeling I was giving in and I do remember the joy Falcon felt and how he ran off to call his friend to tell him he just named his son after him.  I guess in desperation for him to have "A" name...I agreed to that name....the one...that yes, was originally my idea.  The one I expressed great dislike of.  It just felt that someone had to give and with my peacekeeper personality, I knew no different than for it to be me.  I'm not a confrontational person, and I'm not a fighter.  I saw no end because after all, we fought it out for 10 months already so..we couldn't start all over now.  As the kids and Falcon started calling him by his name I cried inside each time.  Then...it happened.  The nicknames, and shortening his name started.  Within my own family, even after fully discussing this possiblity before and expressing my complete distaste for the name due to these reasons.  The distaste got worse for me.  Everytime I hear his name, I fight back tears.  It got to the point that it didn't even matter if they called him by a nickname or his full name...it all stings the same.  Honestly...I despise his name for all it's worth.  I love this little human more than words can say but yes...his name makes me cringe and cry.  I try to chalk up my feelings to hormones.  This whole "fight" has stirred up other feelings of another time I had such distaste for a name.  My life was once threatened over naming a son.  I dispised another name once too and being emotionally abused was given nothing but a threat if I changed it...and while Falcon was not the person to make this this threat...he did make it clear he prefered the name he had chosen and with that, I felt no option to change it.  I've been made to feel belittled, made fun of, stupid, etc. over being such a baby about his name.  Although, it wasn't intentional by those who made me feel this way...it made me feel that way nonetheless.  He'll be a week old tomorrow and yes, I guess at this point changing his name would indeed be...stupid.  Although, as much as his middle name means to me, I think if nothing else I will change that because that will rid of one of the nicknames that I don't want him to grow up with.  So far, on his only paperwork, he is Baby "my last name" because I coulnd't bring myself to write his "name" and now I  feel undecided ...but I have a while to file his birth certificate and come to terms with his name.  I agreed to the name...people call him by his name.  Even if I had decided to change it...they would likely slip and call him by the same name he's been called for the past week.  The weight was entirely on my shoulders to change his name and it was to much for me to bear.  Falcon did offer to take it to the table again and start over but....if after 10 months we can't agree how in the world would we agree now and I'm far too emotional to deal with disagreeing over it anymore...and anyways, while it was in question...he was still being called by the same name. I have yet to call him by his name, not even once. 

I try to find some peace in knowing that someday...his name will become "him" and that I won't hate it.  I said this to a friend...

"I think there are so many other emotions in this cocktail right now.  Yes, I despise his name, but I will learn to love it.  With time, it will become "him".................................I shall never forget how all of this has made me feel, but someday, I will look back and smile"

This has all taught me a lot about myself & my relationship. With everything in life, there is give and take, there is compromise and there are disputes.  

I've gone through a lot leading to and following a few previous births but oddly, nothing has been more "traumatic" and saddening to me.  Nothing has ever spoiled my baby bliss and that's most upsetting.  My life was threatened at the mention of changing the name of my 5th child, I was living in a rape shelter and delivered my 6th child under survailance of undercover police pacing at my door....and not once did I ever suffer "the baby blues".  This all seems so ungodly petty...and yeah...STUPID!  I think there is more to it than just a name, it goes much deeper than that, and that's what's most upsetting.  

All of this will blow over.  I will feel better.  I will shine again. 

I will find that baby bliss I have always known.