In a homeschooling house full of 7 kids & 3 guniea pigs....there is never a dull moment! A lot of people show genuine concern for us and want to know how we are doing, as the road we've left behind was not a pleasant one. So, here I am, to tell some of our stories...share some of our days...and open up a part of our world to you! Come join us on our journey so you won't miss the moments that take our breath away!

Wednesday, January 4, 2012

4 years ago, she told...Our "Story" begins to unfold...

Many "anniversaries" come and go without people being aware that it's an anniversary of anything at all because the day is not significant to them in any way.
Today is one of "those" days.

I've never told our story on here, so starting today...this part of our story will begin to unfold.

4 years ago today...
My daughter came to me...
Well, she emailed me...
She emailed me saying there was something she needed to tell me when "he" (my husband) was not around.

I can still feel my heart stop like it did when I read that.  I can still feel my heart sink to my feet when I read that.  I can still feel my world stop like it did that day.   I can still feel the goose bumps rise on my skin.  I can still hear the complete silence that surrounded me that day.  I can still feel the numbness that took over my body.  I can feel it the same way I did this day 4 years ago.

You see, there was an "oddness" in the air.  That feeling that "something" wasn't right.  I never could put my finger on it, but one thing was for sure...the tension in that house was building.  There was almost that feeling of being "uncomfortable" in my own home, but yet, I didn't have any apparent reason to feel this way.  At the same time...I couldn't have been happier.  I had a wonderful husband (most of the time), 5 beautiful children and one due to arrive in just seven short weeks.  I had an amazing new home (complete with the picket fence) in a fresh new neighborhood where neighbors weren't "neighbors" - they were "family".  As homeschoolers the children and I were often able to travel with my husband so my children had the opportunity to see and learn about many great things.  My first three children were from a previous marriage, but yet to them my husband was their "dad".  I couldn't have asked for a better "dad" for them...he was perfect in every way (so it seemed).  When he would come home from work, they would run to him with open arms so glad to see him.  They knew what would come next...they would be showered with some gift whether it was something material or just his presence.  Maybe they would wrestle, go to the park or play outside or we would go on a family bike ride, have family game night or make that favorite family recipe together. We were a very close knit family, never doing our own independent activities but always doing something as a family.  

But then, I got that email.
In no way shape or form did that email say what my daughter needed to talk to me about...but somehow, i "knew"...or at least I knew what my worst fear was.

I called her into the classroom.
She saw my email up on my screen and she tried to get away, saying she didn't need to talk to me anymore.  I wouldn't let her get away without telling me what it was she needed to tell me.  I made her sit down and I told her she was not getting up until she told me.  We sat and I pushed and pryed for quite a while...trying to get through to her to just tell me!  As a mother, you "know" when something is wrong with your child.  I didn't like what my instinct was telling me as I looked into her eyes.  I had finally gotten out of her that he did something to hurt her, but she wouldn't say what.  Finally, I asked if she could draw it instead...and so she did.  She drew a picture and then she asked me questions about it.  She would draw something and ask "do you know what this is"? I would say no (even when it was apparent).  She would tell me what it was.  The more she drew, the more numb I got....the more my heart sank out of my chest.  I wanted to cry, but I needed to look strong.  

I hugged her and told her I was so sorry that he did that to her.  I told her that he would NEVER touch her again.  I was honest with her...I told her that I was scared and that I didn't know what to do, but I assured her that I would figure it out very quickly but that she was not to tell anyone else until I  figured things out.  

Not long after that, my husband came home from work.  It was a Friday.  I don't think it took very long for him to figure out that something was "wrong".  I know I was acting different, but I tried so hard not to.  We had spagetti for dinner that night.  I remember something happening at dinner but I don't remember exactly what. I remember one of my children getting very upset and me standing up for them.  The tension was very high.  That night, Cardinal and I scrubbed down the kitchen table.  I was simply trying to keep busy as my mind was spinning out of control.  I couldn't look at him, I didn't want him to touch me or my children.  By this time, I was physically sick from pure disgust at just the thought of him.  Everytime I looked at him or he tried to touch me, I threw up.  He kept asking what was wrong and I just said that I was sick and I didn't feel well.  I took all of the kids upstairs with me and I then cleaned the master bathroom and gave my kids a bath.  It's almost like I wanted to wash them clean of him.  I wouldn't let them out of my sight.  

So, while I relive many painful memories from this day.  I couldn't be more thankful for this day.  This is a day that changed our lives forever and a day that I'm glad I never had to live without!   

So, as I relive this day...this anniversary.  There is only one other person who suffers the way I do.  One other person who really knows what today is.  One other person who relives the way she felt this day 4 years ago.

I hope she is as proud of herself as I am of her (although, I don't think that is possible).  I hope that she someday realizes how courageous and brave she was.  I hope that she can look back and see this day for the positive change for the future that it was.  I hope that she can be grateful for the choices I made in the days following her disclosure.  I hope that she can trust me again some day, the way that she trusted me then. 

Four years ago, she told.
Four years ago,
she became
my HERO!

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