This comes as no surprise to most who know me ;) but...we have FINALLY announced the last addition to our flock!
This announcement came with some degree of hostility but being so far along before announcing such news, I can say I somewhat expected this kind of reaction out of some (and there were a few that I didn't expect certain reactions from). There are a lot of emotions that surrounded this pregnancy and so many reasons I made the decision not to tell.
Without speaking negatively about any particular people, I will say first and foremost that most of my pregnancies have not been greeted with the happiest of reactions to say the least! Granted, there isn't one person in this world who doesn't love all of my children with all their heart, it's just that generally, an announcement such as this is followed with LOTS of negativity, unsolicited opinions, unwarranted advice, jealousy and way too many questions!! It was a bit difficult not having my mom here to counter all the negativity although, I admit, I had mixed feelings about the expected arrival date of this little one because it's highly likely that he will make his arrival on or very near her First Angelversary.
After Dove was born, it was decided that we would not have any more as Falcon decided he never wished to go through "that" again ;) but as time went on, he changed his mind and the desire to add to our family grew. We actively "tried" for a time period of 6-8 months (whose counting?). By actively trying, I mean...I charted cycles, I took ovulation tests, etc. I knew when I was fertile, we "tried" and every month resulted in a failed attempt to add to our family. I bought pregnancy tests in bulk ;) month after month after month, I'd start testing days before my period and continue until Aunt Flo came for her visit. "Trying" was becoming a bit too much of a stress, all the charting, timing and months of "failure" start having a negative effect on everything. So, we stopped. We stopped watching the calender so closely, stopped worrying so much about temps, we didn't use a chart to schedule intimacy....though, I did still somewhat keep a chart, it just wasn't something I paid much attention to. For the most part, my cycles were very predictable. As I said, normally, days before Aunt Flo was due to show up, I'd start testing. The month I conceived, these days passed without notice clear until I was almost a week late and even then, it was Falcon who noticed. I hadn't even noticed because I felt like I was going to start. I was cramping and just felt like I was going to start, so it just went completely unnoticed that I was even "late".
Early on, our news was shared with those few who could share in our excitement beginning with the select few who were sent these pics right after I myself found out. I actually couldn't believe my eyes.
Honestly, I had to look back at my chart as I was truly puzzled "how" this even happened, the odds were low. It was a mix of "too good to be true", "how did this happen" and maybe even "denial" because I surely didn't FEEL pregnant. I always know, way before a positive test (I'm ungodly sick and bloated) so this just didn't seem possible. I had to test again...and again and again and again.....and AGAIN, just to be sure.
Initially, we decided to wait to tell anyone because first and foremost, I was not having ANY symptoms...at all. Since I'm prone to miscarriages, we opted to wait to spread the news too far. I mean, after all...why put up with all the negativity, opinions and questions only to later have to tell people we lost this baby too. No thanks! ;)
I went through a period of extreme nausea from about 8-10 weeks but this is the first pregnancy I didn't throw up or have to take multiple meds to ward off this sickness. So, at 10 weeks we were still hesitant to make any official announcement. Another factor, was that I was not sure how my dad would take the news and I really wanted to tell him in person. Living such a hectic life a few hours away from him made this a bit more difficult than I had anticipated.
At 15 weeks I could hear a heartbeat on our home doppler, this was pretty exciting and reassuring because I still had not felt any movement. At week 17, at a routine check, no heartbeat could be found (3 dopplers and 2 people making the attempt with no success). I too, had not been able to find a heartbeat that week (but having had a previous anterior placenta, I didn't feel to worried and chalked it off as that). All of this caused grave concern for my midwives and they requested I go for an ultrasound to check for viability. We had hoped to find out the gender at a 20 week scan. From the moment of a positive test (after looking at my chart), I "knew" it was a boy! Oddly enough...I was actually right (first time for everything) and sure enough he had an anterior placenta which is why I couldn't feel any movement and why finding a heartbeat was such a challenge.
I will never forget the look on the techs face when I told her not to be surprised or afraid to say something if there was no heartbeat because that was the reason we were there. She handled the situation very well and all was well. Obviously, this came as a big relief. I was a bit bummed that we didn't have that exciting experience of finding out his gender but as we've learned, things don't always go as planned ;)
I finally began feeling movement at around 21 weeks. For the most part...still symptom free and sharing all the excitement with those who knew...it was "enough" for me. At times, honestly, I even forgot I was pregnant. Usually, when I "pop", I "POP"! This held true this time, but it sure didn't happen prior to that positive test like it always has. I don't remember when it happened but some time around end of July I guess. My first belly pics were taken in early August.
Followed by this one, which I have no idea when it was taken
This time, I have chosen to not do any of the special things I did during Dove's pregnancy. All the belly pictures, the "Journey" board, taking notes along the way, journaling, etc. It was a big deal to me the last time, but this time, I don't want to focus on this being the "last" one. It's like I don't want an "attachment" to this pregnancy because in my own weird way I don't want to grieve it when it's gone. Instead I just want to focus on the miracle he is. I soak up my enjoyment in his movements, learning his sleeping patterns, and just anticipating the day I get to hold him.
I did make two prior attempts to tell my family. First was Cardinal's birthday. However, the day was filled with a lot of tension as I spent a lot of time working on her gift and this made my dad upset which resulted in a lot of bad moods, so just felt I wanted to wait for a better time to announce it. Then later, in August, my dad came to our house. Dove wore his "Big Brother" t-shirt but, my dad didn't notice and none of us said anything. Another few months went by before we had another opportunity to see him again....but we FINALLY announced it to him this past weekend, then yesterday made it facebook official.
I must say, I was shocked at my dad's reaction, shocked at the lack of comments from certain people and not so shocked at reactions to others. I still feel we have made good choices along the way. This has by far been the easiest, symptom free pregnancy. I feel AMAZING and it's been so nice to just enjoy every moment of it with no negative tension.
Our choices aren't for everyone! Many people share the joy with everyone from the moment they get the positive pregnancy test (there were people announcing June babies before we had announced our January one). This time, that was not the choice for us and if given the opportunity, I would do it the same again because the lack of stress has proven to do me and our baby very well.
I don't expect everyone to support our decisions. We don't ask for (or need) help. The size of our family is our business.
How I birth is my choice and my decision is supported in confidence by the only person who matters. YES, we are homebirthing. No, I'm not endangering myself, or my child. I don't owe an explanation to anyone, nor do I need to defend our decision to anyone.
I don't have a "due" date. We have a general idea when we can expect him to come. We know he will be here by mid-late January, but ultimately he is not bound to any time frame and I will not be pressured by being "overdue". He will come when he is ready! Honestly, I have to look it up if I want to know exactly how far I am in weeks because I don't even keep track.
No, we do not get food stamps or WIC. No one is going without anything because he is on his way, nor will any of them once he gets here and in case you didn't know, homebirthing with a midwife is not only outrageously expensive, it is also not covered by insurance so stop asking if we can really afford him...thank you for your concern but YES, we can afford him.
No, he was not an accident. He was very wanted and very sought after, he just came to us in his own time.
YES, all of the kids are thrilled (well, I think the girls really wanted a sister)...but all in all, everyone is excited.
No, he does not have a name yet, but don't worry some day, he will.
and NO, we are not having any more children (my most despised question of them all)...but how this is your business, I will never know and it's actually a sore subject for me so I really wish people would not ask, especially after he is born when emotions will be high anyway ;)
So see...it's been a nice 6 months without all these types of questions. I'll spare the negativity and opinions but I'm sure you can imagine!
Regardless...I'm sure my momma has been looking down on us since before we knew we were pregnant and there are days I can just "feel" her excitement. There was nothing better for her than the joy of her grandchildren and I can't help but to think that she had a hand in all of this. This January will be filled with a mix of emotions. Until then, I embrace every day and I will continue to soak up our own happiness and the joy and support from all of those just as eager and excited about him as we are.
