Today is a new day

Nothing pushes you along the grief process like truth and acceptance.

I have finally reached a plateau.  It STILL hurts, but I have no more tears to waste.  Someday, he'll be sorry he let me get away and he will realize how lucky he was to have such an awesome family who loved him so much. I hope he can find another to love him the way I do. 

Today is a new day and we begin to go forward.  I need to drop off my application for the gym.  I can't wait to start working out...to look better, feel better, relieve stress and get a much needed break from my flock!  My big kids will be off enjoying their day with their dad and step-mom and the little ones and I will be headed off for a great day too.

A new beginning deserves a new look right?...well, an old look, lol.  I'm way overdue for a haircut and I really do miss having my nails done.  It's time to rediscover me...since I feel like half of me is gone, I have to start rebuilding somewhere.  

After all that "girl" time, I think Emu deserves a little fishing trip, don't you think!  So, hopefully I can find someone who knows how to fish, to take us fishing, lol :)  I have a lot of friends and family who love us...so I'm sure we will find someone. 

Here's to a new day...and moving forward.  I'm glad I didn't lose my positive spirit for long.  Wow...when I go down, I go down HARD...but when I get back up....I

JUMP!

The foolish man seeks happiness in the distance...

"The foolish man seeks happiness in the distance; the wise grows it under his feet"
James Oppenheim



As I begin to heal, able to accept the truth...my children are still greatly hurting.  My heart aches for them, that they have suddenly and unexpectedly lost their second dad and my youngest is only 3 years old.  I've watched them go through this pain before and put it behind them.  But, they've silently carried that pain and will carry it with them forever.  It's just now hitting Emu, with a few nice days...he notices more.  The other day with his wanting to go fishing.  Today, he found daddy's baseball glove in the toybox outside.  He comes to the door looking down, holding 2 baseball gloves and a ball and he says,  "Mommy, Daddy forgot his glove, can I call him"?  Now...why should I let this poor sad boy call a daddy who seems not to even care about this boy or our family at all?  Maybe that is a harsh statement...but I guess I'm at that angry stage of my grief.  So why is it that this 4 year old is so concerned about looking out for someone who isn't concerned about looking out for him and his best interest?  "No, Emu...Daddy left it here, because he wanted you to have it, so now it is yours", I say to him.  As if his look couldn't get any more sad...he says "But, now I don't have anyone to play catch with me".  Sigh....wow, why is it words like this cut like a sword!  So, poor Emu went off with his sisters putting on make up and painting fingernails.  After they were finished playing dress up...Cardinal took him outside as promised to play catch.

I couldn't figure out why my precious Macaw was struggling soooooo much with all of this.  She cries often, she has the saddest look about her (even when she is smiling, her saddness just radiates through), she asks so many questions, she is so confused, she is untrusting of other men in her life, she is clingy, she will not let me out of her sight because she is afraid I am going to leave her, she will not sleep alone, actually she can't sleep even though she so badly wants to so that she can see daddy in her dreams, and my nearly 5 1/2 year old child felt a need for such security and comfort that she asked if she could nurse (no, I didn't let her, but it just goes to show you how insecure she is feeling).  She misses her daddy more than words can say and far more than she is able to express.  She wants to understand, she constantly says so.  She'll just come up to me and say "mommy, I want to understand, why did daddy leave us?  Daddy always said he loved me as high as the sky, so how could he leave me?"

I tried one last time to get Falcon to agree to sit down and talk about everything, it seemed I almost had him.  I at least got a "we'll see"...which translates to a no, but it sure sounds better.  I truly think we could work it out, Falcon gives a firm "NO" and keeps saying that he is positive that it will not work right now.  With that attitude, he's right...it never will.

I think if he is never coming back, Macaw needs to hear from him that he is never coming home.  Each time he has talked to her, he has told her "I don't know baby when I'm coming back"...to the ears of an innocent 5 year old, that is a "yes, I'll be home later".  So, I told him that if he is certain, he owes it to her to tell her he will not be back...but that if he has an ounce of uncertainty, he needs take more time to think about his decision because once she is told he will not be back, then he can not come back.  Either way, I feel she needs some sort of transition period for him to either come back, or to never return.  Whether it be a phone call or an occasional visit...it just isn't fair that she has to go through losing another parent this way again.  The babies don't remember their "real" dad at all, Macaw had just turned 2 when he was taken away.  For months, I kept his memory alive for his children but as time went on, memory of him faded.  Soon, they didn't even recognize him in a picture and they later went on to bond with Falcon and he became the only daddy they ever knew.  When talking with a friend, she brought a very good point to my attention.  Macaw does not remember her real dad, BUT the pain that she is feeling by Falcon leaving just as suddenly is a FAMILIAR feeling.  She "knows" that she has felt this same pain before, she recognizes this feeling and it is scaring her that much more that she knows this has happened before.  Gosh...it makes total sense, I can't believe that I didn't realize that on my own.   

As for those visits or phone calls with Daddy, he hasn't mentioned it at all but, thankfully even my children are showing signs of healing and they are learning to comfort and lean on each other in their time of need.

 

I have come to accept that it is time for me to move on.  I can't keep kicking, screaming and begging, trying to get him to realize things from a more mature perspective and I can't begin to imagine what has him so confused.  I do wish that he would have been willing to sit and discuss all of the issues that needed to be dealt with...but, I can't make him feel something he doesn't and without love, we've got nothin'.  He want's me in his life but not to a great capacity and he doesn't want to discuss "us".  I will give him space...he can go his way and I can go mine, just the way he wants it to be because that's the way he sees best.  I'll let him go about things in his own foolish way, as we all have to learn the hard way sometimes.  As he seeks happiness in the distance, he'll learn that true happiness was right under his feet and by then, I'll be dancing off in the rain with someone else. 

2 weeks

2 weeks

Just to say it, it kind of stings...but it's been 2 weeks today.  It feels so much longer and it still hurts just as bad. I still feel just as numb and just as lost...actually, I think maybe even more than I felt 2 weeks ago.  I still sit and stare at nothing...even a friend noticed.  I can't even remember the last time I ate.

He deleted his facebook account today...I thought he blocked me and it felt awful!  I don't even know when the last time I talked to him on the phone was, but we do text...sometimes.  We really haven't even done that for a few days.  Today we did, but as soon as I mentioned anything about "us" he stopped talking (not once, but twice), he always does though, anytime I bring up anything related to the subject of "us".  I don't even think he likes the thought of "us"...God, he must really hate me.  I guess I am bad for bringing us up...I'm just still trying to understand him and at times, he seems so uncertain about what he is doing, he says that he's hurting and he speaks of how great I was to him.  My maturity just steps up and wants to scream some sense into him...so I guess that's why I push it so much.  He's hurting, I'm hurting and my kids are destroyed, the pain that we are all going through would not have been any greater if this had happened in another 6 months or a year.  Granted we had some issues that needed to be dealt with (what relationship doesn't???)...but underneath all that, we truly had something that we will never have again with anyone else and that was worth risking a failed attempt to save it.  That was worth this pain 6 months from now. 

I really need to just give it up...his mind is made up!  I need to just let him be, allow him to move on as he wants and do as he wants me to...move on, go forward without him.  It's just really hard not to fight for something you don't want to let go. 

I'm flattered that I have a few guys willing to keep me company...but, they aren't Falcon...why can't he want me?

You know, I still just don't get it....
I guess I never will.



Yesterday...

Yesterday....the pain of yesterday will forever linger in my heart and soul.  I always said I wanted him forever, this just isn't the kind of forever I had invisioned.

Yesterday, was as Falcon puts it "goodbye for now".

Falcon came to get the rest of his things.  I tried my best to get through to him but to no avail...he's so hard-headed like that sometimes...he hears you but he just doesn't listen.  I never was very good at getting people to see things in the light that I see them.

Even though it isn't in my nature, I begged and pleaded to try to get him to reconsider, to try and get him to realize what he was doing...but in his own sense of logic, he is truly doing what he really thinks is best.  He seemed so unbothered by my sobbs and pain and simply told me to move on and be happy, I bet he doesn't console his friends in that same way when they are hurting.  It seems to me that he already has someone else on his agenda and maybe he just never really loved me anyways.  I still can't comprehend how you can want to marry someone one day, then a few weeks later completely walk away!

He seems to think that he can later come back into our lives.  If something isn't worth saving, why would it be worth coming back to, unless you truly don't want to leave it.  I just don't understand.  Maybe it was his immaturity or uncertainty talking...though he always seems to keep his ex's in his life so I really shouldn't be surprised that he would expect to be able to return someday.  Maybe he has other reasons and he just needed more time, maybe he really was uncertain if he is making the right choice.  I begged him to just try and risk failing, rather than just walk away, I guess that was my maturity and my heart talking...he was completely uninterested and when I asked if there was anything I could do...his answer was "move forward and be happy".  This indicates to me that he simply has already moved forward, he already has someone else and he is already happy.  When you really love someone, you don't want to see them hurt, you care about if they are ok and you DON'T want to let them go, you DON'T want them to find someone else.  Is it immaturity, or someone else...I'll never know, but he has already let us go, he is not hurting and he doesn't care that we are.  How can he possibly think he can walk out on us, then expect that he can later come back and be accepted or trusted by same children he abandoning?  He is betraying their trust to the point where Macaw won't have anything to do with the men in her life who do love her and would never hurt her.  Yesterday, while at my sister's she would have nothing to do with her uncle..she just put her head down and ignored him.  Maybe I am overthinking the situation or making a conclusion far too fast, I sure hope this was just her mood yesterday and not something that is going to be long term. I'm seeing all of the other ways this is affecting her and I hope that it isn't going to do this to her too.

Last night, Macaw asked to go to bed...she couldn't wait to get to sleep!  As I was tucking her in, she says to me "I am going to see daddy in my dreams and you at your wedding".  This morning as soon as Duckling got up, she said "I love daddy so much" then a few minutes later she says "can we go to gwanma's house, I wanna see gwanma, i miss her".  I said "we'll see" and she started crying and having her little 3 year old fit screaming that she wants to go see grandma.  A while later, she calmly asks again and it is starting to hit Macaw that she isn't going to see grandma anymore either.  So, I thought about it for a few minutes and I decided to text grandma to tell her that the girls were having a hard time and asked if we could come visit sometime when "he" wasn't there.  She very politely said "no".  Really...how much pain and loss do my children have to endure because of someone else's poor decision.  How much do my children have to go through because of the bad choices of someone who claims to love them?  Really...I mean just really???? Wow!  

How much pain and hurt do I have to go through in my lifetime? 
Why do I have so few "yesterdays" to look back on and smile but I'm filled with hurt after hurt?  Why can I not get through to someone who refuses to listen or to look past their own selfishness?  Why can I only look back on the last two years and find the good, when during most of that time, I only focused on the bad?  Why am I having such a hard time with all of this?  Why do I blame myself this time, when I have never blamed myself before?  I know why...because I have never felt loved the way I felt it with Falcon, I have never loved, the way that I loved Falcon, I've never seen someone else's eyes sparkle back at me that way Falcon's did, I have never been so happy in my entire life, as I was with Falcon, I have never been able to look as far into my future, as I looked with Falcon...because I had never had a "Falcon" and because I ruined the best thing that ever happened to me.

I allowed all of the stresses in my life to take over me...to change who I was.  My dying mother, my pending divorce, my in-laws, my finances, my sick children, Emu's disorder, Duckling's health problems, Eagle's lung condition, the responsibilities of homeschooling my children, my dog dying, the responsibility of Crow, some other more personal stresses and the fear of not being able to continue supporting Falcon because of the increases in all of my expenses (my electric bill was raised, the cost of gasoline was going up, I needed money for an attorney)...all of it, all of the things that ate away at me and destroyed who I was...that is why. 

Yesterday, Falcon said that he could look back through his pictures and see exactly when I "lost my glow".  But, yet...he couldn't see that it was at all happening at the time when all of these stresses were bogging down on me he doesn't know the pain of losing a parent and what it is like to watch them die...he couldn't see that "he" was not the reason I wasn't smiling and that he was one of the only reasons I did smile.  He didn't understand or even consider the amount of stress that Crow had on me each day and that was a main reason why I couldn't crack a smile when he tried to poke fun at me and he didn't even stay around more than a day or two to see how different I would have been with just that one stress cut out of my life.  Maybe he resented me so bad for just that one thing, making him get rid of that dog and that's why he left.

Two years ago, Falcon gave me a new attitude on life...to live for today, to enjoy every moment of each new day and to never look back, to live life to the fullest and that when life knocked you down, to get the **** back up.  Yesterday, I lost that attitude on life and I go forward only because I have to.

Yesterday, I felt like I gave up, like I had lost all hope.  I told my dad that I don't want that house or any other house.  It is not my parent's responsibility to pick up the shattered pieces of my life and take care of me.  I have finally opened up to a few friends who are so worried about me.  Yesterday, I talked and cried to each one of them for hours.  One of them suggested that maybe Falcon just needs more time, maybe next week he will change his mind....I really don't think so...I could see it in his eyes and I could hear it in his heart.

Today is a new day...and today, I work on our tomorrows.  So today...somehow, I will make it through.  I have a few attorney's to call this afternoon and all of my paperwork is almost ready to go to court, as I have been working on it for months.  As I once again start to pick up the shattered pieces in my life, I must show my children how to make it through, that they are loved and that I am strong enough to fight for them. 

I can feel myself getting it back together because I need to for them, I owe it to them and I know that someday, the sun will shine again in my life.  I know that I can dance through any storm even though I will never dance in the rain again.

If you love someone...

If you love someone...

...you have to let them go

That's the way the saying goes,  right?

Well, I always said my mom was always right and I've almost never known her to be wrong.  The other day, I was upset and talking to my mom.  One of those real "heart to heart" mom/daughter talks.  The kind that I will long for when she is gone.  She said to me "if you really love him, then fight for him and don't let him go".  I find it funny that my sister said the same exact thing and we know she wasn't all to fond of my relationship in the first place...but they both agreed on this one thing and that was that!

For the past 12 days, I've cried...I've stared at the walls...I've forgotten appointments...I've blogged...I've searched for healing...I've tried to let go...I've shut out my friends and family...I've entered into a world where I have never been before and for the first time in my life, I'm so numb...I can't even feel me.  I've been married twice...I've been cheated on, lied to, we've survived abuse, went through a year long trial.  I've been through a lot...and none of it comes close to even comparing to this pain.

So, tonight...I asked a question that I really didn't want to know the answer to and I got just the answer that I didn't want and then I cried some more.  Then, I heard the echo of words Falcon said last week.  "You didn't even try to get me to stay".  Though, the reason I didn't was because it simply wasn't in my personality to do that.  It wasn't like me to put up a fight, but yet just nod my head and say okay. 

As I tucked the kids into bed...Macaw said to me "momma, this is so harder on me than it is for you...I don't understand...can you tell me again why daddy left me"?  Now, I'm not one to sugarcoat for my kids...even my heartbroken confused 5 year old...but, as much as I wanted to pour sugar on any answer I could give her, there just isn't even a way to sugarcoat this.  So, I say to her as I hug her ever so tight "Oh, baby, I know it is so hard and mommy doesn't understand either, but daddy loves you so much and he just thought it was better if he left, sometimes daddy's don't always make the best choices".  How do you explain this to a child who has lost the only dad they have ever known?  How do you explain that something that feels so wrong is suppossed to be better when you can't even convince yourself? How do you convince them to trust that other people who love them aren't going to leave them too?  How do you convince them that when people say they love them as high as the sky, they aren't lying?  How do you teach them how to trust again?  My children will forever be scarred, this will change the inner core of their very own soul.  No time will ever heal their wound. 

As I sat in pure silence hearing only the ringing in my ears and watching the room spin with my aching head...something sparked in me and I couldn't just sit here and do nothing!  I had to fight for something worth fighting for.  I had to fight for that all the things that made me happy, even all the things that drove me crazy and yes all the things I complained about too.  I had to fight for that glow that only he has given me, and for the only person who could get me to dance in the rain, the love of my life, my soulmate and my better half.

For the past two years, we have grown together...he was such a part of "me".  I begged, I pleaded, I cried, I sobbed, I fought for him...for "us".  I gave it all I had in me and drained myself for a little bit more and even a little bit more after that.  He really sees that him leaving is best for everyone's future.  He never did have the best logic.  He had the brains, I had the logic...that's one of the many things that made us work, we just balanced each other like that. 

"Now is not our time" he says, "Maybe one day if it's right we'll find one another again".  He never was good at letting go of other girls either...so I guess maybe it's his time to revisit one of those old love's...to see if their time is right as they meet again...and if that doesn't work, maybe he'll see things differently or maybe one of them will talk some sense into him.

....and you know what mom, for the first time...you were wrong.  I fought for him and I still had to let him go.

If you love someone, let them go.
If they return, they were always yours...
If they don't, they never were.

  

Because you have to know how to splash in a mud puddle before you can learn how to dance in the rain!

I've always learned how to survive the storm and I got pretty good at it....I never learned how to dance in the rain, until Falcon came along...and oh, how we loved to dance in the rain!  We could weather through the toughest storm and we were always happy enough to dance in the rain...well, not always.  Even the ship with the biggest sail can sink in the roughest storm, right?  Well, one thing is for sure...my kids have learned that!

I had always hoped that my kids would learn how to dance in the rain, just by watching mom and dad...but that will never be, so now I'm left to teach them on my own...eventually. 

It will be a long time before I'm happy enough to dance in the rain, but I still hope they somehow learn.  I figure they have to know how to splash in a little mud puddle before they can learn to dance in the rain anyhow...now, teaching that part, I can handle...so, no better day than today to start learning just that!

The first step to learning how to dance in the rain

Her first genuine smile in more than a week!

It's not fishing...but it's the next best thing

Learning to stick together through one of life's roughest storms.

Learning that it really hurts when you fall....

...but there is always someone right there to pick you back up....

...and at the end of the night, there's someone who loves you enough to hold you tight!



Tonight, was the first time Emu mentioned daddy and the first time he really showed that he was missing him.  Not to say anything bad about daddy, but Emu just doesn't show emotion or express himself the same as everyone else.  Don't get me wrong...Emu is quite disturbed by the sudden absence of his daddy.  But, tonight...Emu says to me "Mommy, will you take me fishing"? and I said "Emu, mommy doesn't know much about fishing".  Emu says "well, if daddy was here, he'd take me fishing...but daddy isn't here anymore".  "Oh, Emu...we'll find someone to take you fishing".  Emu, obviously assuming I meant we'd find a new daddy, says "well, new daddy's don't know how to fish as good as daddy".  I reply by saying "well, sure they do Emu, maybe they fish even better".  Poor Emu then puts his head down in his saddened Emu kind of way and he says "but, I don't want to take someone else's daddy away from them"!  My heart just melted...where does he get this stuff?  His little heart is so broken and confused and he if finally expressing himself.  I just had to change the subject...and so, we went and splashed in mud puddles.

I hope their hearts don't hurt for long, I hope their confusion soon clears.  As we tough through this storm together, at least today, they smiled.  Hopefully...maybe someday, Emu will forget all about not having a daddy to take him fishing and he'll learn to like splashing in mud puddles more than he liked fishing...so that someday, he can teach his someone how to dance in the rain...the way his daddy once taught me.

Photo and video editing at www.OneTrueMedia.com

April is Child Abuse Prevention Month. 

I made this video to spread awareness about sexual abuse. 

To show that child abusers do not look a certain way.  To show that they are not a certain "type" of person.  To show that abusers look and act just like everyone else.  To show you that we were a "normal" family, just like yours and to make people understand that it can happen in you house, the way it happened in ours.  

Abusers don't live off to themselves on their own private island...they are among us.  They are our neighbors, teachers, co-workers.  They are fathers, husbands, brothers, uncles, and friends and lets not forget, they can be mothers, wives, sisters, aunts, and friends too.  There is no kind of community where child sexual abuse doesn't happen, it happens everywhere and it has happened to you or someone you know!  It happened in our house and it can happen in yours!

I made this video to allow you a peek into our past, to show you what our "secret" looked like.  It is our passion to spread awareness...whether it be through public speaking or social media...this is just the beginning of great things yet to come.

      

Strong? Really...think again!

People are constantly telling me that I am the strongest person they know.  But, even the strongest of strong have moments of weakness.  Sometimes we are even held back by a fear greater than fear itself. 

If I were a stronger person, I wouldn't be going through this right now.  I have learned that fear has cost me my future.  A future which I looked forward to, a future which I dreamed of, a future which I couldn't wait for.  Now, I'm left with the question "can I ever forgive myself"?

I can not change the choice that I made, but I only wish that I would have known the consequences of that choice.  I wish that I would have been given the chance to begin to understand the impact that this choice was having on the rest of my life so that I would have been given the chance to change my choice and face my greatest fear.  I wish that I would have realized the seriousness of the future we dreamed about or at least that the time was near to make that next step to forever.  I wish that I would have better spoke, or that I was better heard so that I wasn't misunderstood because then we could have faced my fear together.  I wish that he would have known that I was close enough, that I was gathering and looking for the mounds of paperwork, emails, letters...all the things I was going to need to fight for my kids and my rights and so my case would stand as strong as I need it to.

I wish that I would have faced who I really was.  I wish that the judicial system didn't have to stand in the way of who I wanted to be and what I had to do to keep my children safe.  My choice to remain married was based solely on the safety and well being of my younger children.  That choice came at the cost of our future.  That choice pushed away the love of my life.  That choice made me lose everything.  That choice robbed my younger children of the only dad they ever knew.  That choice ties them to the father and family that they should never know exists, a father that Duckling has never even met.

 
I once believed that there was nothing greater than fear...but, I have learned that regret is greater than fear!  I regret that I lost the faith that I once had, because if I had been more faithful...I wouldn't have feared for the safety and well being of my children...but yet, I would have had the faith to know that we would triumph over the legal battles that we would face.  I regret my choice to not stand strong and fight for our future.  I regret my weakness and I regret my fear.

The clock ticks and the days pass and until I face who I am, until I face my fear, until I take the risk, until I can snap out of my weakness...our lives stand still, we have no future but yet a sad existance.

They look for him, they ask for him, they watch for him...thinking he will come.  Every car door they hear, everytime a dog barks, everytime they think they hear that door....they think he has come.

They still wait for a daddy that isn't coming home...

because their mom isn't as strong as everyone thinks she is.

So, now I must face this fear alone!  I must accept the risks and the possible consequences.  I must be strong enough to walk this path without Falcon by my side and with no plans for a future together.  I must decide that if my worst fears come true if I will regret that more than the regret I face today.

I owe it to them, don't I?  So that they aren't sitting on the porch step forever...just waiting.

I kinda had this one a comin'

In life, sometimes you get what you deserve and sometimes you don't but, one thing is always for sure...life isn't fair.

I didn't deserve to be treated the way that my first husband treated me, I didn't deserve for him to walk out on me...or maybe I did.

I didn't deserve to be treated the way my second husband treated me...or, maybe I did.  I didn't deserve the choices he made and neither did my children, especially my daughter...but, life isn't fair.

Life isn't fair, but we make our bed and we have to lay in it.  As some say sometimes...we just had that one comin'.

So, for all of those who are feeling sorry for me.  Please don't!  Trust me, I deserve to be where I am today!  I deserve every bit of it.  If I had done things differently (let's not forget, I am married), if I had spoke my mind, if I had made better choices, if I had been more tollerant, if I had been more understanding, if I had compromised a little more, if I had not been so selfish, if I had paid a little more attention, if I had shown that I care, if I had taken more time, if I had not focused on only the bad, if I had not pushed him away, if I had not ignored his needs, if....if...if!  So trust me when I say, I do deserve it. 

There is no turning back and I had my second chance and still, I blew it.  I made my bed and now I lay in it.  Have you noticed that all of my relationships end the same...this is a me problem!  This is who I am.  This is the way my life goes.  I carry too many flaws.  I allow problems to build up until there are too many problems to fix.  I love with all I have and love is not enough.  I'm selfish, I can't please, I can't be pleased, I'm too fearful, I'm too stressed, I'm too tired, I sacrifice until I'm resentful, I don't speak my mind, I make poor choices, I complain. .  It's not them, it's me.

Let's face it...I'm not good at relationships! 

In life, sometimes you get what you deserve and sometimes you don't and as I said...I deserve this!  Don't worry about me and don't feel sorry for me...I kinda had this one a comin'

Hopeful

If there is one thing I've never given up in my life, it's hope!

Each time I've gone through something, I've always had hope.  Hope that tomorrow wouldn't hurt so bad, hope for a better future.  No matter how bad things get, you always have hope! 

I've never been so hurt that I've lost hope for myself.  I do find myself hopeful...but not for me. 

I'm hopeful that my kids will not grieve for long.  I'm hopeful that they will soon remember Falcon for the daddy that loved them and not the daddy who left them.  I'm hopeful that they will grow up and never remember this pain and confusion and I'm hopeful that they will not grow up with the blame that this is their fault.  I'm hopeful that they will soon stop looking for him.  I'm hopeful that they will soon stop crying for him at night.  I'm hopeful that my older kids will never feel threatened at even the thought of me moving on with my life. 

I'm hopeful for Falcon, he has his entire life ahead of him.  I'm hopeful that he will find true love and that he will learn what true happiness is all about.  I'm hopeful that he will learn from his past and be more prepared for the next time the best thing that ever happened to him comes into his life.  I'm hopeful that he will soon set his priorities straight.  I'm hopeful that he will find Faith, Hope and Love!  I'm hopeful that he will have a better future.

So, I guess I've still not lost hope.  I'm hopeful, just not for me.

Wondering...

Dreams have been replaced by wondering.  I've been wondering about a lot the past few days.  My mind does not stop.  It's like I'm walking around in a fog.  My kids have been wondering too.  They wonder why I am so sad.  They wonder what is happening.  Macaw wonders why daddy always said that he loved her as high as the sky but yet, he went away.  When I tell her that he does love her, she says "he can't, because if he did, he wouldn't have left me".  I told her that he left because he thought that it was better, yet she doesn't understand how he thinks that is easier.  I wonder...will she ever trust again?  Will she wonder if I'm going to leave her too?  She really doesn't realize that he left me...how long will she feel that this is about her?  How long will she feel that it is her fault?  How long will she feel like she isn't loved?  In the midst of her own grief and confusion...she wipes my tears and she says "it will be ok mommy".

I wonder.....

How long will they stand at the door and look for him?

How long will they hear a car door and go running to the door, thinking that daddy is home? 

Macaw says that she will be ok without a daddy.  But I wonder...will she?  Will she feel out of place because she can't go to the Daddy/Daughter Dance because she doesn't have a daddy, or will she be embarassed because she has to take an uncle?  Will she wish he were there when she cheers her first basketball game?  Will she realize that he taught Emu how to tie his shoes, but he won't be around to teach her how to tie hers?  How long will she miss him?  How long will she ask throughout the day if she can call him?  When will she stop asking if she can still call him daddy?  How long will she grieve?

Duckling is lucky.  She is lucky, because she doesn't get it.  She is lucky because she is too young to even care.  I wish life were as simple as it is in Duckling's world.  Today, he came to get the rest of his things.  When he left, Macaw and I cried...and Duckling, well, she said "I want a new daddy, find me a new daddy".  It's amazing how they come up with these things and how easy they think life is.  If only it were that simple.  If only I could want to find a new daddy for them....if only their daddy wouldn't have left....if only....

Emu.  Emu is even more lucky than Duckling, because in his world, he really doesn't care.  Earlier, I hugged Falcon, and I cried.  Emu jumped up and down, flapped his wings and laughed, saying "mommy is crying".  That's just how it is in his world.  If only change and being out of routine didn't bother him, his life would be perfect.  He is quite thrown off by daddy not being here, he doesn't deal well with change.

I wonder...

I wonder why he thinks he never made me happy.  I wonder how he couldn't notice the glow that everyone else did.  I wonder where I went wrong.  I wonder if anyone else will love him as much as I did.  I wonder if he will ever hang our picture that we were so happy to find, because it was so "us".  I wonder if he will ever be happy enough to dance in the rain again.  I wonder why he really thought this was best and as I start to wonder what life will be like without him...I try to stop wondering...and Macaw wipes my tears as she tells me "it will be okay mommy".

Yeah...it will be ok.  Just as soon as I can stop wondering.

Numb

I'm so numb, I can barely recognize how I feel. 
I feel so empty, I can hardly recognize that I am still here.
But, then I feel the tears and they bring me back to reality.

I can feel the coldness radiate off of him even through the phone.  Much different than our tearful goodbye!  He seems not to care.  He seems very distant and completely uninterested in any type of conversation.  It makes me wonder if he was under the influence of someone else to get out of here so quick.  I swore I wouldn't talk to him, I thought it would be easier...but with each thing I brought to sit by the door, it killed me a little more each time and I wanted just to hear him say something or to just read a text.  As he was leaving, he spoke of how hard it was to take all his stuff and leave, but I almost can't stand to be here...the constant reminder of him lingers.  Looking at the empty chair he always sat in is like putting a dagger through my heart and it's almost unbearable to know he is never coming back.  I can not sleep in my room.  This is the third time that I've had to pack up things for someone that I loved to continue their life without me but, this grief is so much different than I have ever experienced before. 

It was so fast and unexpected.  We were always so good at talking things through and finding some compromise or solution.  We never acted quickly on a decision but yet, took a few days to absorb what was going on.  But, that night...he made his opinion clear and though he was asking for mine, he didn't seem as though his decision was open for discussion.  I was frozen...numb...in pure shock and disbelief and unable to even truly process anything he was saying...so, when he did ask me a question, the only thing I could respond with was "I don't know".  It didn't even feel real.  It didn't feel like it was really happening.  It just didn't make any sense because we were both so upset, so why was he doing this.  Why was he leaving, just like that?   I wouldn't say he walked out on us easily, because he was just as upset as I was, but I guess I just don't understand why if we were both upset and it wasn't really what either of us wanted...then why was it happening? 

He says he left to stop from causing everyone more pain...I should feel greatful because I can't imagine it being any more painful for us.  I've lost love in my life, but it's never felt like this.  My kids are strugging, hurt, confused and they feel unloved and abanded.  I saw how my divorce affected my older kids and I hate that my younger kids are now losing the only dad they have ever known (and losing a dad for the second time already in their short lives).  I can't imagine, my babies being any more confused or feeling any more unloved or any more abandoned than they feel right now.  I hate that they have to endure this pain.  I hate that I feel like they need to know about their "real" dad, so that they don't feel like they have "no" dad.   

I hate what this means for me and how it feels.  I hate that everytime I pick up the pieces in my life and find happiness it always comes crashing down a few years later.  I hate so much about it that I just wish I could keep this feeling of numbness forever, so that I didn't have to feel anything ever again.

As always, I will pick up the pieces and move on.  I have to start somewhere and so, first...I will accept "who" I am.  My correct "status" is married.  I won't wear that title proudly, but I'll wear it honestly because that's what I am..."married".  I have always failed as a wife.  I can never be the wife I dream to be.  I'll think of my wedding ring like a tattoo...a lifetime reminder of where I am and how I got here, where I've been and where I can not go.  I may even wear it, so that I do not forget and loose a grip of who I am.  I will not move forward, for "my" life is over but yet I will simply exist in this life in which I live.

I am a mom and that is all that I was meant to be. This same path keeps being layed out in front of me...one which I walk alone...one foot in front of the other with my chin held high and a smile on my face.  I will count my blessings as I do everyday and accept my fate!  I love my children with all of my being, with every breath that I have in me, they are my life!  They are what my life is all about.  They define "me".  Every choice I've ever made, I've made for them because they are what matters, they are my only future and their future depends on me. 

This time "moving on" just means making the best that I can of my life and my situation.  It means accepting that my life has to take a different direction.  That I can't live my life the way that I want to but the way that I have to.  It means that everything that means anything to me will no longer be a part of my life, except of course, my six amazing children.

It means that I am so numb, I can barely recognize how I feel. 
I feel so empty, I can hardly recognize that I am still here. 
But, then I feel the tears and they bring me back to reality.

    

Happiness is...dancing in the rain

Support comes in all different forms and phrases....

From just plain "Sorry" to...
"If you love him, you should fight for him"
"You can make it through this, you are a strong woman"
"I hope this is a step to a better life for both of you"
"You are strong, you will survive this too"
"You're the strongest woman I know"


Now mind you, the people who said these things are the very same people I vented to when times got tough.  The people who listened to me when I felt like complaining.  These people really knew no different of my relationship other than the bad that I seemed to focus on so often, so of course they are glad to see a relationship that they view as so horrible, come to an end...because I only showed them a horrible side of something that was so much more.

I find myself wondering, did I ever tell these people when things were great?  Did I ever pick up the phone to tell these people what a wonderful day I had or when Falcon actually did something nice?  Whether large or small...no, I never did!  No different than I didn't tell Falcon that I appreciated even the small things he did.

Why is it I always complained, but yet I never acknowledged the good.  The laughs, the small pillow talk, the jokes, the humor...all the things that made the bad more tolerable.  All the things that were worth fighting for. 

Why is it that he turned his back and ran?  Why is it I didn't try to make him stay? 

Will I ever not ask why?

Why is it that now, I can only remember the good and can't think of one thing that was bad enough to make it end this way?

Why did I lose my desire to dance in the rain even through the toughest storm? 

Why did I push him away, when I really wanted him to come closer?

Why didn't I try harder for something worth fighting for?

Why do my children have to continually suffer...why do they have to be brought up this way?

Why is it for so long, I always saw the bright side of things...then when my life got brighter, I only saw the dark side of things?

Why?

For those I never told...Falcon was so much more than what I made him out to be.  He really was the best thing that ever happened to me.  He lit me up just as much as he brought me down.  For everytime he wasn't there for me, there was a time that he was.  For everytime he didn't pick up something of his, he picked up something that wasn't.  For those times that he didn't help me pay for something, there was a time he helped when I really needed it.  For everytime he undermined my authority, he taught my kids something positive some other time.  For all the times he pushed me out of bed, I got a snuggle some another night when I wanted to.  For all the times I complained, there was something I could have praised.  For all the times he did me wrong, there was a time he did me right.  For every disagreement, there was a compromise.  Everytime he said he loved me, I said I loved him more and even in the toughest storm, everytime it rained...we danced!

Maybe someday, sunshine will bring me happiness...even though I know what it's like to dance in the rain....

Why, when all I could do was complain did I not end it sooner?  Well...have you ever known the happiness of dancing in the rain?  That's why. 

If only I hadn't made him lose that feeling...we'd still be loving the rain!

Lost

In all the things I've been through (and those who know me, knows it's been a lot), I've never felt such emptiness....EVER! As the birds started chirping, there came a new day and with that new day came life altering choices.

Sometimes we expect things to happen and sometimes we don't.  When we know something is coming, sometimes we even prepare for it, but no matter how well we think we have prepared ourselves it just isn't enough.  We often think we want something, then when we get it, we realize that's not what we wanted at all.

A little more than 3 years ago, I unexpectedly lost my husband, my best friend...the love of my life...and it hurt, man...did it hurt!!  I grieved for 6 months.  I wouldn't let anyone touch anything.  Things had to stay just the way he left them.  The ladder and tools that sat by the back door (he was putting up new blinds) had to stay there even though they were in the way, his bath towel had to stay right on the rack and everyone knew they were not allowed to touch it, the last cup he drank out of couldn't be washed, I worried that his shirt wouldn't smell like him for long.  It was quite disturbing, actually...the way I grieved a man who committed such horrible crimes against one of my own children....but, as I said, he was my husband, my best friend and the love of my life...so I thought!  I vowed to never love again and I knew I wouldn't (or so I thought).

Friends and family tried to set me up a few times with different people.  Old friends tried to kindle relationships...I just wasn't interested.  Then, while visiting my best friend at her mother in laws house...I met Falcon.  There was an instant attraction.  I was drawn to him...and not just to his looks, but to his bubbly personality and the way that he interacted with my kids.  He loved kids.  I constantly teased my friends about "hooking us up", but they refused, lol.  Falcon was quite a bit younger than me, 14 years.  I spent a lot of time at my friends and occasionally, Falcon was around.  We never really talked much, despite the obvious attraction between us.  Soon, I began to feel like a little high school girl with a crush on the cutest guy in school everytime I saw him.  It was almost one of those kinds of crushes that made you more giddy because you knew it was someone you could never have...after all, he was way too young!  Falcon began to hang out more at my friends' house more and more when we were there and before long we started talking.  First just at their house when I visited, then soon after we'd chat on facebook.  Before we knew it, we were standing in the bread isle at Walmart during a quick trip to pick a few things up while I was visiting with my friends (I went there nearly every weeked) and that was where we realized there was a little something more going on between us.  Ha, it was like one of those movies that at this point would make me ball my eyes out and puke!  We didn't kiss...but that bread isle is definately where it all began!

Our chatting online turned into us texting each other, then came the phone calls.  Then he started to visit a few times a week (despite the nearly 2 hour drive it took him to get to my house).  As we realized there was so much more going on between us...we did "fight" it and we agreed to just stay friends and not let things go any further.  He warned that he wasn't much of a talker on the phone...coulda fooled me, because we'd talk for hours and hours.  For the first time in my life, I started feeling a certain kind of happy that I never even knew exisited.  I had been married not once, but twice before and I never had the "glow" that came from loving Falcon.  It was the most amazing feeling in the world.  He made my heart smile and he taught me to enjoy life in a way I never had before...enough to even dance in the rain!  I had truly not enjoyed being around anyone the way I enjoyed being around him.  I can't say I never thought about our age difference, because there were times that I did.  Most of the time, it really went unnoticed and underneath it all (jokes and teasing)...age really didn't matter!  Our families were accepting of our age difference...heck, my mom convinced me from the very beginning that age didn't matter, as long as we were happy.

Sure we had our ups and downs but no matter what, we could make it through.  There was so much that I loved about him and so much that drove me crazy...overall, it was a healthy balance.  There were so many things that I forgave him for that someone else probably wouldn't have.  There were so many people who tried to interfere with our relationship and he made some very poor choices.  We were always able to get past those things.  There were a lot of times when one of us had set our priorities in the wrong place and one of us would be pulling away from the other.  I guess it got to the point where we were each doing our own thing and less and less, we'd meet up in the middle of our busy lives.  Most recently, I struggled with hauntings of my past and it severely affected our relationship.  Falcon shut down and pulled away and there was a lot of strain on our relationship.  I was feeling frustrated and not as certain about our future.  I wasn't sure if we would be able to work past the issues we were dealing with.  A few weeks ago, we discussed the issues in great length, but our discussion was never really finished and our relationship was left with a lot of uncertainty.  I actually had noticed the things that Falcon was doing lately and the effort that he was putting forth over the last few weeks, but with the stress of having sick children and one admitted into the hospital, then one getting injured and other stresses going on at the time...I made no acknowledgement of the things that had changed for the better around here.  If I could turn back time and tell him that I noticed and appreciated the things he was doing, I would!  I did feel it and while I was still frustrated with some things going on...I still wasn't dissatisfied enough to make the choice to not continue the relationship.  Many friends asked "why" and my answer always was "because I do love him and I think we can work it out".  I guess I thought our love would see us through this latest hurdle because of all the things we've made it through before, I thought we'd work this out too. 

We had so many hopes and dreams for the future.  He looked forward to adopting "our" three kids.  We didn't invision a new house with the white picket fence..but a simple house out in the country somewhere.  Just us and our beautiful family, living the life we dreamed.  Those dreams will never be reality.  Today, he held me in his arms for the last time.  I will never feel the warmth and security of his embrace.  I will never see that sparkle I once put in his eye and I will never see my own eyes sparkle back at me.  My heart will never smile the same and I will never be happy enough to dance in the rain.  I have never felt so empty!  In the last two years, or at least for 1 1/2 of those...I have truly had the time of my life.  I have been happier than I ever knew I could be.  Other's have seen a glow that they had never seen before.  I have dreamed farther into my future than I ever have with anyone else.  I have laughed more than I ever thought possible...and now I have cried and I have been hurt more than ever before.  Now, I have lost my best friend and the love of my life!  I don't look forward to the future, but yet dream of those beautiful days in the past.  My children have lost the only daddy they've ever known and watching their confusion and seeing them hurt through all of this makes it all more difficult.   

I don't know where I go from here.  I relocated here to be with him and now I have nothing here except for the reminder of the future we no longer have...so now, I begin my search for a new place to begin yet again.  I look at my babies and I wonder what it will be like to not have him by my side for their many firsts they have in their future (learning to ride a bike, first day of school, hitting a baseball, Duckling giving up here tata...).  Sadly, I wonder what it will be like for them to not have a dad.  I wonder who will be there for me when my mother dies.  I wonder who will be there for me all the times when it seemed like he wasn't.

I'll carry a reminder of Falcon with me everyday.  I will never forget Emu running down the street chasing after his daddy, the very last time he drove away...clueless that he would never see him again.  Anytime I am missing him, I can just sit and watch Emu and it will be the next best thing to watching Falcon.  His blood may not be running through that child, but his actions, words and personality are non other than his alone!

He asked me if I thought he was making a mistake...Yes, Falcon and I think it was huge, but it wasn't my choice to change and it's not a mistake that sits on my shoulders and what may have been a mistake for me, may not be a mistake for you.  I can't help but to think he's made some of the worst decisions when it came to our relationship and this by far was one of those.  I'm not perfect and I had my own hand in our little mess and I must live with the results of those mistakes and unfortunately, my children pay for those mistakes too. 

As I pack up the rest of his things, so that he can move on...I just hope that he finds someone to make him half as happy as he once made me and that he will soon be smiling, laughing, dancing in the rain or even in his dining room the way we used to.  I hope he soon dreams of his future with someone who can be all of who he needs them to be and if she loves him just a fraction as much as I did, that's all the love he'll ever need.  I hope he can be everything he wants to be and more and I hope that he can look back on today with no regrets and know that the family he decided it best to leave behind loves him more than he'll ever know!

As Cardinal said to him as he left..."Peace out dude, I love you"!!!

Apparently, Duckling is feeling quite well and she is playing and being her normal self!  Yesterday, her and Eagle were happily playing, but it quickly turned into Eagly screaming in pain as he ended up with a kick to the face.  I watched him for a few hours and he was in agonizing pain and he couldn't uncover his eye and would not let me see it because it hurt so bad.  Fearful that Duckling had scratched his eye....I put yet another call into the pediatrician and they said it should be looked at today.  Off to the ER we go again!  He had numerous Corneal Abrasions!  Ouch, it looked so painful, I could barely stand to look at it!  His entire eye is red and swollen and his eye looked absolutely terrible!  He didn't complain of any trouble with his vision when we were in the ER, but last night, he kept saying things look blurry! 

This morning, we went back to the hospital to see an eye specialist.  He is still unable to see clearly in his right eye and usually, a Corneal Abrasion heals within 24 hours...and poor Eagle's eye is not healed yet.  The doctor doesn't have any concerns about it healing and he has to go back again tomorrow to make sure that it healed ok.  He is however going to need glasses, so he will need to go back next week to have his vision checked again.  I asked if he needed glasses due to this injury, but the doctor said that there is no way to really know for sure and that a lot of times, they actually uncover a vision problem when there has been some other reason that has sent them to the eye doctor.  Since it's his right eye that he's having vision problems with, it's hard to think it wasn't caused by his injury, however...now Eagle says he actually did have trouble reading the keyboard before his eye was hurt.

Everyone always gives me such a hard time about putting my kids in a bubble and being so overprotective of them...but it seems my kids are ALWAYS getting hurt even on a quiet day.  History proves this fact, as once when Hawk was 3 he cut Eagle's finger with scissors just to see what would happen (this nearly resulted in doing skin graphing to fix his finger), Cardinal needed 7 staples in the back of her head when she decided to do a flip onto the couch at her grandmother's house, a week later Hawk dove onto his bed getting into bed at bedtime and hit the dresser and he needed stitches (again, at grandma's house), a few years later Hawk fell off our swingset when he was outside playing all by himself and he had bleeding on his brain and lets not forget Macaw being severly burned when she was a year old and touched the glass front on our gas fireplace...so why would it seem odd that Duckling and Eagle were happily playing one minute and Eagle had an eye injury the next and why would I be a parent who freaks out and overprotects my kids...because my kids can barely sit down without getting hurt!

I should really have never changed the way that I parent my children...not for an uncle, a boyfriend, a husband...not for anyone!  I used to forbid them to play with guns, swords, light sabers, etc. and they weren't allowed to watch tv or play games that involved "fighting or violence".  I finally caved in to the pressures of outside forces because I got so sick of people teasing me about how I was raising my kids.  So, now, I've turned into the "mean" mom and since I have to take responsiblilty for my kids and their actions, I will once again regain control of their influences and teach them more appropriate behaviors.  I will no longer allow my kids to play "fighting" games, watch 3 ninja's or the like on tv and wrestling and play fighting are off limits (even for a playful uncle or grandpa).  Kids just don't know the difference and now that my 3 year old has injured my 8 year old...it's time to learn that even play "fighting" is not ok because someone can still get hurt!

  I won't put up the guns or other "weapons" but they will once again be taught the proper way to use and handle them...we will point and shoot at targets, not people and they will be put in a safe place where little ones can't have access to them (whether they are toys or not).  We have to realize that our kids learn by example and it is up to us to set that example for them.  It is up to us to teach them what is acceptable and not acceptable and I have to stop allowing other people, tv or even video games to have such a powerful influence on my kids, afterall, they are my kids and their strongest influence should be me.  It's kind of hard to tell them not to hit or fight when a dad, uncle, grandpa, etc.  fight with them and make it fun...it's hard to expect that they aren't going to find a real gun and point it at someone and accidentally shoot them, if they've learned  that this type of point, shoot and bang behavior is acceptable with the "gun" they usually play with, but if they've been taught gun safety the risk of someone getting hurt with a real gun would be much lower.

So, tomorrow...we head back to the eye specialist for a eye that still seems to need time to heal. 

Sick again? or sick still? it's really hard to tell!

Has anyone noticed that this year has been the worst for viruses?  Well, in our house we have definately noticed!  Our most recent virus landed Duckling in the hospital for a 4 day stay and she was released with the threat of being readmitted.  Convinced that something in our house is making us sick, I've asked every Dr. that has treated my kids if something in our house could be making us sick.  In all, I may have asked 7 different doctors and they all said the same thing....."NO"! 

Why would we be to the point where I believe that something in our house is making us sick?  Well, because we have had illness after illness since January, and I am not exagerating.  I looked back on my facebook posts and took note on who was sick and when, so that I would be armed with it at our next dr. visit.  It was eyeopening to look at the actual dates because while we have felt like illness has been constant, it was amazing to see exactly how often we really were. 

At least one person, sometimes 2 or 3 were sick with diarrhea and/or vomitting on each of these dates:
Jan 29, Jan 31.
Feb. 3, 4, 6, 21, 24, 25, 27th
March 2, 7, 16, 18, 20, 27, 28
April 3, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11

Last Tuesday another round of illness started it's way. Striking Macaw and Emu the first day, Cardinal the second, Duckling and Eagle the third, Falcon the fourth and Hawk the fifth, then revisiting Emu the sixth!  Duckling was violently ill, so I called her pediatrician and she was refered to the ER and I was advised that she would likely be admitted.  As we left for the ER, she began vomitting blood.  She was not only admitted, but was not released until that following Sunday.  They had a very difficult time keeping her hydrated, even with her being on an IV.  She refused to eat or drink, then on Saturday she began vomitting and had diarrhea again.  As if this wasn't stressful enough, I called to check on the kids at home to find out that Hawk was violently vomitting and Carndinal appeared to be dehydrated...so again, a call to the pediatrician and now 2 kids being referred to the ER. 

This was a very difficult thing to coordinate, as I needed someone to stay with my 3 small kids and someone to stay in the hospital with Duckling because I was the only one who could take Cardinal and Hawk to the ER, unless I could get a power of attorney for someone else to be authorized to consent to treatment for them.  It was extremely stressful, but it all worked out!  My ER'ers were both released and went home with a friend and I was able to return back to my little Duckling.  By the end of her stay, she was able to walk with her IV pole all by herself, and a hat was no longer something you wore on your head, but yet something that attaches to the toilet for you to pee in.  She was released on Sunday, despite my being uncomfortable with the fact that she was going home refusing to drink more than 4 oz in a 24 hour time frame.  They sent her home with medication to treat her vomitting and of course, on Monday, our morning was greeted by her vomitting.  A visit to the pediatrician didn't go too bad, but she did say that we would be lucky if we were able to keep Duckling from being admitted again due to the fact that she has no reserve to make up for her lack of fluid intake.  Thank God for Momma's Milk because apparently she is actually getting enough to keep her hydrated and out of the hospital because that is just about the only thing she will drink!

I've about had enough of the hospital and we are getting to know the Dr.'s and nurses there like they are family.  It's pretty bad when you walk in the ER and they just about know you by name.  I am starting to feel like we need to fill out a change of address card with the post office because lately we spend so much time at that hospital! 

Movies in bed

Feeling good enough to play with Mommy's phone

A poor attempt at eating

Sick again, waiting to be moved to a new room while Cardinal and Hawk are on their way to the ER

Sick Hawk in the ER

Learning to walk by myself with my IV pole

A doggie visitor

We are glad to be sleeping in our own beds tonight...there is no place like home!