Last night, Macaw asked to go to bed...she couldn't wait to get to sleep! As I was tucking her in, she says to me "I am going to see daddy in my dreams and you at your wedding". This morning as soon as Duckling got up, she said "I love daddy so much" then a few minutes later she says "can we go to gwanma's house, I wanna see gwanma, i miss her". I said "we'll see" and she started crying and having her little 3 year old fit screaming that she wants to go see grandma. A while later, she calmly asks again and it is starting to hit Macaw that she isn't going to see grandma anymore either. So, I thought about it for a few minutes and I decided to text grandma to tell her that the girls were having a hard time and asked if we could come visit sometime when "he" wasn't there. She very politely said "no". Really...how much pain and loss do my children have to endure because of someone else's poor decision. How much do my children have to go through because of the bad choices of someone who claims to love them? Really...I mean just really???? Wow!
How much pain and hurt do I have to go through in my lifetime?
Why do I have so few "yesterdays" to look back on and smile but I'm filled with hurt after hurt? Why can I not get through to someone who refuses to listen or to look past their own selfishness? Why can I only look back on the last two years and find the good, when during most of that time, I only focused on the bad? Why am I having such a hard time with all of this? Why do I blame myself this time, when I have never blamed myself before? I know why...because I have never felt loved the way I felt it with Falcon, I have never loved, the way that I loved Falcon, I've never seen someone else's eyes sparkle back at me that way Falcon's did, I have never been so happy in my entire life, as I was with Falcon, I have never been able to look as far into my future, as I looked with Falcon...because I had never had a "Falcon" and because I ruined the best thing that ever happened to me.
I allowed all of the stresses in my life to take over me...to change who I was. My dying mother, my pending divorce, my in-laws, my finances, my sick children, Emu's disorder, Duckling's health problems, Eagle's lung condition, the responsibilities of homeschooling my children, my dog dying, the responsibility of Crow, some other more personal stresses and the fear of not being able to continue supporting Falcon because of the increases in all of my expenses (my electric bill was raised, the cost of gasoline was going up, I needed money for an attorney)...all of it, all of the things that ate away at me and destroyed who I was...that is why.
Yesterday, Falcon said that he could look back through his pictures and see exactly when I "lost my glow". But, yet...he couldn't see that it was at all happening at the time when all of these stresses were bogging down on me he doesn't know the pain of losing a parent and what it is like to watch them die...he couldn't see that "he" was not the reason I wasn't smiling and that he was one of the only reasons I did smile. He didn't understand or even consider the amount of stress that Crow had on me each day and that was a main reason why I couldn't crack a smile when he tried to poke fun at me and he didn't even stay around more than a day or two to see how different I would have been with just that one stress cut out of my life. Maybe he resented me so bad for just that one thing, making him get rid of that dog and that's why he left.
Two years ago, Falcon gave me a new attitude on life...to live for today, to enjoy every moment of each new day and to never look back, to live life to the fullest and that when life knocked you down, to get the **** back up. Yesterday, I lost that attitude on life and I go forward only because I have to.
Yesterday, I felt like I gave up, like I had lost all hope. I told my dad that I don't want that house or any other house. It is not my parent's responsibility to pick up the shattered pieces of my life and take care of me. I have finally opened up to a few friends who are so worried about me. Yesterday, I talked and cried to each one of them for hours. One of them suggested that maybe Falcon just needs more time, maybe next week he will change his mind....I really don't think so...I could see it in his eyes and I could hear it in his heart.
Today is a new day...and today, I work on our tomorrows. So today...somehow, I will make it through. I have a few attorney's to call this afternoon and all of my paperwork is almost ready to go to court, as I have been working on it for months. As I once again start to pick up the shattered pieces in my life, I must show my children how to make it through, that they are loved and that I am strong enough to fight for them.
I can feel myself getting it back together because I need to for them, I owe it to them and I know that someday, the sun will shine again in my life. I know that I can dance through any storm even though I will never dance in the rain again.