From just plain "Sorry" to...
"If you love him, you should fight for him"
"You can make it through this, you are a strong woman"
"I hope this is a step to a better life for both of you"
"You are strong, you will survive this too"
"You're the strongest woman I know"
Now mind you, the people who said these things are the very same people I vented to when times got tough. The people who listened to me when I felt like complaining. These people really knew no different of my relationship other than the bad that I seemed to focus on so often, so of course they are glad to see a relationship that they view as so horrible, come to an end...because I only showed them a horrible side of something that was so much more.
I find myself wondering, did I ever tell these people when things were great? Did I ever pick up the phone to tell these people what a wonderful day I had or when Falcon actually did something nice? Whether large or small...no, I never did! No different than I didn't tell Falcon that I appreciated even the small things he did.
Why is it I always complained, but yet I never acknowledged the good. The laughs, the small pillow talk, the jokes, the humor...all the things that made the bad more tolerable. All the things that were worth fighting for.
Why is it that he turned his back and ran? Why is it I didn't try to make him stay?
Will I ever not ask why?
Why is it that now, I can only remember the good and can't think of one thing that was bad enough to make it end this way?
Why did I lose my desire to dance in the rain even through the toughest storm?
Why did I push him away, when I really wanted him to come closer?
Why didn't I try harder for something worth fighting for?
Why do my children have to continually suffer...why do they have to be brought up this way?
Why is it for so long, I always saw the bright side of things...then when my life got brighter, I only saw the dark side of things?
Why?
For those I never told...Falcon was so much more than what I made him out to be. He really was the best thing that ever happened to me. He lit me up just as much as he brought me down. For everytime he wasn't there for me, there was a time that he was. For everytime he didn't pick up something of his, he picked up something that wasn't. For those times that he didn't help me pay for something, there was a time he helped when I really needed it. For everytime he undermined my authority, he taught my kids something positive some other time. For all the times he pushed me out of bed, I got a snuggle some another night when I wanted to. For all the times I complained, there was something I could have praised. For all the times he did me wrong, there was a time he did me right. For every disagreement, there was a compromise. Everytime he said he loved me, I said I loved him more and even in the toughest storm, everytime it rained...we danced!
Maybe someday, sunshine will bring me happiness...even though I know what it's like to dance in the rain....
Why, when all I could do was complain did I not end it sooner? Well...have you ever known the happiness of dancing in the rain? That's why.
If only I hadn't made him lose that feeling...we'd still be loving the rain!
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