Lost

In all the things I've been through (and those who know me, knows it's been a lot), I've never felt such emptiness....EVER! As the birds started chirping, there came a new day and with that new day came life altering choices.

Sometimes we expect things to happen and sometimes we don't.  When we know something is coming, sometimes we even prepare for it, but no matter how well we think we have prepared ourselves it just isn't enough.  We often think we want something, then when we get it, we realize that's not what we wanted at all.

A little more than 3 years ago, I unexpectedly lost my husband, my best friend...the love of my life...and it hurt, man...did it hurt!!  I grieved for 6 months.  I wouldn't let anyone touch anything.  Things had to stay just the way he left them.  The ladder and tools that sat by the back door (he was putting up new blinds) had to stay there even though they were in the way, his bath towel had to stay right on the rack and everyone knew they were not allowed to touch it, the last cup he drank out of couldn't be washed, I worried that his shirt wouldn't smell like him for long.  It was quite disturbing, actually...the way I grieved a man who committed such horrible crimes against one of my own children....but, as I said, he was my husband, my best friend and the love of my life...so I thought!  I vowed to never love again and I knew I wouldn't (or so I thought).

Friends and family tried to set me up a few times with different people.  Old friends tried to kindle relationships...I just wasn't interested.  Then, while visiting my best friend at her mother in laws house...I met Falcon.  There was an instant attraction.  I was drawn to him...and not just to his looks, but to his bubbly personality and the way that he interacted with my kids.  He loved kids.  I constantly teased my friends about "hooking us up", but they refused, lol.  Falcon was quite a bit younger than me, 14 years.  I spent a lot of time at my friends and occasionally, Falcon was around.  We never really talked much, despite the obvious attraction between us.  Soon, I began to feel like a little high school girl with a crush on the cutest guy in school everytime I saw him.  It was almost one of those kinds of crushes that made you more giddy because you knew it was someone you could never have...after all, he was way too young!  Falcon began to hang out more at my friends' house more and more when we were there and before long we started talking.  First just at their house when I visited, then soon after we'd chat on facebook.  Before we knew it, we were standing in the bread isle at Walmart during a quick trip to pick a few things up while I was visiting with my friends (I went there nearly every weeked) and that was where we realized there was a little something more going on between us.  Ha, it was like one of those movies that at this point would make me ball my eyes out and puke!  We didn't kiss...but that bread isle is definately where it all began!

Our chatting online turned into us texting each other, then came the phone calls.  Then he started to visit a few times a week (despite the nearly 2 hour drive it took him to get to my house).  As we realized there was so much more going on between us...we did "fight" it and we agreed to just stay friends and not let things go any further.  He warned that he wasn't much of a talker on the phone...coulda fooled me, because we'd talk for hours and hours.  For the first time in my life, I started feeling a certain kind of happy that I never even knew exisited.  I had been married not once, but twice before and I never had the "glow" that came from loving Falcon.  It was the most amazing feeling in the world.  He made my heart smile and he taught me to enjoy life in a way I never had before...enough to even dance in the rain!  I had truly not enjoyed being around anyone the way I enjoyed being around him.  I can't say I never thought about our age difference, because there were times that I did.  Most of the time, it really went unnoticed and underneath it all (jokes and teasing)...age really didn't matter!  Our families were accepting of our age difference...heck, my mom convinced me from the very beginning that age didn't matter, as long as we were happy.

Sure we had our ups and downs but no matter what, we could make it through.  There was so much that I loved about him and so much that drove me crazy...overall, it was a healthy balance.  There were so many things that I forgave him for that someone else probably wouldn't have.  There were so many people who tried to interfere with our relationship and he made some very poor choices.  We were always able to get past those things.  There were a lot of times when one of us had set our priorities in the wrong place and one of us would be pulling away from the other.  I guess it got to the point where we were each doing our own thing and less and less, we'd meet up in the middle of our busy lives.  Most recently, I struggled with hauntings of my past and it severely affected our relationship.  Falcon shut down and pulled away and there was a lot of strain on our relationship.  I was feeling frustrated and not as certain about our future.  I wasn't sure if we would be able to work past the issues we were dealing with.  A few weeks ago, we discussed the issues in great length, but our discussion was never really finished and our relationship was left with a lot of uncertainty.  I actually had noticed the things that Falcon was doing lately and the effort that he was putting forth over the last few weeks, but with the stress of having sick children and one admitted into the hospital, then one getting injured and other stresses going on at the time...I made no acknowledgement of the things that had changed for the better around here.  If I could turn back time and tell him that I noticed and appreciated the things he was doing, I would!  I did feel it and while I was still frustrated with some things going on...I still wasn't dissatisfied enough to make the choice to not continue the relationship.  Many friends asked "why" and my answer always was "because I do love him and I think we can work it out".  I guess I thought our love would see us through this latest hurdle because of all the things we've made it through before, I thought we'd work this out too. 

We had so many hopes and dreams for the future.  He looked forward to adopting "our" three kids.  We didn't invision a new house with the white picket fence..but a simple house out in the country somewhere.  Just us and our beautiful family, living the life we dreamed.  Those dreams will never be reality.  Today, he held me in his arms for the last time.  I will never feel the warmth and security of his embrace.  I will never see that sparkle I once put in his eye and I will never see my own eyes sparkle back at me.  My heart will never smile the same and I will never be happy enough to dance in the rain.  I have never felt so empty!  In the last two years, or at least for 1 1/2 of those...I have truly had the time of my life.  I have been happier than I ever knew I could be.  Other's have seen a glow that they had never seen before.  I have dreamed farther into my future than I ever have with anyone else.  I have laughed more than I ever thought possible...and now I have cried and I have been hurt more than ever before.  Now, I have lost my best friend and the love of my life!  I don't look forward to the future, but yet dream of those beautiful days in the past.  My children have lost the only daddy they've ever known and watching their confusion and seeing them hurt through all of this makes it all more difficult.   

I don't know where I go from here.  I relocated here to be with him and now I have nothing here except for the reminder of the future we no longer have...so now, I begin my search for a new place to begin yet again.  I look at my babies and I wonder what it will be like to not have him by my side for their many firsts they have in their future (learning to ride a bike, first day of school, hitting a baseball, Duckling giving up here tata...).  Sadly, I wonder what it will be like for them to not have a dad.  I wonder who will be there for me when my mother dies.  I wonder who will be there for me all the times when it seemed like he wasn't.

I'll carry a reminder of Falcon with me everyday.  I will never forget Emu running down the street chasing after his daddy, the very last time he drove away...clueless that he would never see him again.  Anytime I am missing him, I can just sit and watch Emu and it will be the next best thing to watching Falcon.  His blood may not be running through that child, but his actions, words and personality are non other than his alone!

He asked me if I thought he was making a mistake...Yes, Falcon and I think it was huge, but it wasn't my choice to change and it's not a mistake that sits on my shoulders and what may have been a mistake for me, may not be a mistake for you.  I can't help but to think he's made some of the worst decisions when it came to our relationship and this by far was one of those.  I'm not perfect and I had my own hand in our little mess and I must live with the results of those mistakes and unfortunately, my children pay for those mistakes too. 

As I pack up the rest of his things, so that he can move on...I just hope that he finds someone to make him half as happy as he once made me and that he will soon be smiling, laughing, dancing in the rain or even in his dining room the way we used to.  I hope he soon dreams of his future with someone who can be all of who he needs them to be and if she loves him just a fraction as much as I did, that's all the love he'll ever need.  I hope he can be everything he wants to be and more and I hope that he can look back on today with no regrets and know that the family he decided it best to leave behind loves him more than he'll ever know!

As Cardinal said to him as he left..."Peace out dude, I love you"!!!