If I were a stronger person, I wouldn't be going through this right now. I have learned that fear has cost me my future. A future which I looked forward to, a future which I dreamed of, a future which I couldn't wait for. Now, I'm left with the question "can I ever forgive myself"?
I can not change the choice that I made, but I only wish that I would have known the consequences of that choice. I wish that I would have been given the chance to begin to understand the impact that this choice was having on the rest of my life so that I would have been given the chance to change my choice and face my greatest fear. I wish that I would have realized the seriousness of the future we dreamed about or at least that the time was near to make that next step to forever. I wish that I would have better spoke, or that I was better heard so that I wasn't misunderstood because then we could have faced my fear together. I wish that he would have known that I was close enough, that I was gathering and looking for the mounds of paperwork, emails, letters...all the things I was going to need to fight for my kids and my rights and so my case would stand as strong as I need it to.
I wish that I would have faced who I really was. I wish that the judicial system didn't have to stand in the way of who I wanted to be and what I had to do to keep my children safe. My choice to remain married was based solely on the safety and well being of my younger children. That choice came at the cost of our future. That choice pushed away the love of my life. That choice made me lose everything. That choice robbed my younger children of the only dad they ever knew. That choice ties them to the father and family that they should never know exists, a father that Duckling has never even met.
I once believed that there was nothing greater than fear...but, I have learned that regret is greater than fear! I regret that I lost the faith that I once had, because if I had been more faithful...I wouldn't have feared for the safety and well being of my children...but yet, I would have had the faith to know that we would triumph over the legal battles that we would face. I regret my choice to not stand strong and fight for our future. I regret my weakness and I regret my fear.
The clock ticks and the days pass and until I face who I am, until I face my fear, until I take the risk, until I can snap out of my weakness...our lives stand still, we have no future but yet a sad existance.
They look for him, they ask for him, they watch for him...thinking he will come. Every car door they hear, everytime a dog barks, everytime they think they hear that door....they think he has come.
They still wait for a daddy that isn't coming home...
because their mom isn't as strong as everyone thinks she is.
So, now I must face this fear alone! I must accept the risks and the possible consequences. I must be strong enough to walk this path without Falcon by my side and with no plans for a future together. I must decide that if my worst fears come true if I will regret that more than the regret I face today.
I owe it to them, don't I? So that they aren't sitting on the porch step forever...just waiting.
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