I kinda had this one a comin'

In life, sometimes you get what you deserve and sometimes you don't but, one thing is always for sure...life isn't fair.

I didn't deserve to be treated the way that my first husband treated me, I didn't deserve for him to walk out on me...or maybe I did.

I didn't deserve to be treated the way my second husband treated me...or, maybe I did.  I didn't deserve the choices he made and neither did my children, especially my daughter...but, life isn't fair.

Life isn't fair, but we make our bed and we have to lay in it.  As some say sometimes...we just had that one comin'.

So, for all of those who are feeling sorry for me.  Please don't!  Trust me, I deserve to be where I am today!  I deserve every bit of it.  If I had done things differently (let's not forget, I am married), if I had spoke my mind, if I had made better choices, if I had been more tollerant, if I had been more understanding, if I had compromised a little more, if I had not been so selfish, if I had paid a little more attention, if I had shown that I care, if I had taken more time, if I had not focused on only the bad, if I had not pushed him away, if I had not ignored his needs, if....if...if!  So trust me when I say, I do deserve it. 

There is no turning back and I had my second chance and still, I blew it.  I made my bed and now I lay in it.  Have you noticed that all of my relationships end the same...this is a me problem!  This is who I am.  This is the way my life goes.  I carry too many flaws.  I allow problems to build up until there are too many problems to fix.  I love with all I have and love is not enough.  I'm selfish, I can't please, I can't be pleased, I'm too fearful, I'm too stressed, I'm too tired, I sacrifice until I'm resentful, I don't speak my mind, I make poor choices, I complain. .  It's not them, it's me.

Let's face it...I'm not good at relationships! 

In life, sometimes you get what you deserve and sometimes you don't and as I said...I deserve this!  Don't worry about me and don't feel sorry for me...I kinda had this one a comin'