As I begin to heal, able to accept the truth...my children are still greatly hurting. My heart aches for them, that they have suddenly and unexpectedly lost their second dad and my youngest is only 3 years old. I've watched them go through this pain before and put it behind them. But, they've silently carried that pain and will carry it with them forever. It's just now hitting Emu, with a few nice days...he notices more. The other day with his wanting to go fishing. Today, he found daddy's baseball glove in the toybox outside. He comes to the door looking down, holding 2 baseball gloves and a ball and he says, "Mommy, Daddy forgot his glove, can I call him"? Now...why should I let this poor sad boy call a daddy who seems not to even care about this boy or our family at all? Maybe that is a harsh statement...but I guess I'm at that angry stage of my grief. So why is it that this 4 year old is so concerned about looking out for someone who isn't concerned about looking out for him and his best interest? "No, Emu...Daddy left it here, because he wanted you to have it, so now it is yours", I say to him. As if his look couldn't get any more sad...he says "But, now I don't have anyone to play catch with me". Sigh....wow, why is it words like this cut like a sword! So, poor Emu went off with his sisters putting on make up and painting fingernails. After they were finished playing dress up...Cardinal took him outside as promised to play catch.
I couldn't figure out why my precious Macaw was struggling soooooo much with all of this. She cries often, she has the saddest look about her (even when she is smiling, her saddness just radiates through), she asks so many questions, she is so confused, she is untrusting of other men in her life, she is clingy, she will not let me out of her sight because she is afraid I am going to leave her, she will not sleep alone, actually she can't sleep even though she so badly wants to so that she can see daddy in her dreams, and my nearly 5 1/2 year old child felt a need for such security and comfort that she asked if she could nurse (no, I didn't let her, but it just goes to show you how insecure she is feeling). She misses her daddy more than words can say and far more than she is able to express. She wants to understand, she constantly says so. She'll just come up to me and say "mommy, I want to understand, why did daddy leave us? Daddy always said he loved me as high as the sky, so how could he leave me?"
I tried one last time to get Falcon to agree to sit down and talk about everything, it seemed I almost had him. I at least got a "we'll see"...which translates to a no, but it sure sounds better. I truly think we could work it out, Falcon gives a firm "NO" and keeps saying that he is positive that it will not work right now. With that attitude, he's right...it never will.
I think if he is never coming back, Macaw needs to hear from him that he is never coming home. Each time he has talked to her, he has told her "I don't know baby when I'm coming back"...to the ears of an innocent 5 year old, that is a "yes, I'll be home later". So, I told him that if he is certain, he owes it to her to tell her he will not be back...but that if he has an ounce of uncertainty, he needs take more time to think about his decision because once she is told he will not be back, then he can not come back. Either way, I feel she needs some sort of transition period for him to either come back, or to never return. Whether it be a phone call or an occasional visit...it just isn't fair that she has to go through losing another parent this way again. The babies don't remember their "real" dad at all, Macaw had just turned 2 when he was taken away. For months, I kept his memory alive for his children but as time went on, memory of him faded. Soon, they didn't even recognize him in a picture and they later went on to bond with Falcon and he became the only daddy they ever knew. When talking with a friend, she brought a very good point to my attention. Macaw does not remember her real dad, BUT the pain that she is feeling by Falcon leaving just as suddenly is a FAMILIAR feeling. She "knows" that she has felt this same pain before, she recognizes this feeling and it is scaring her that much more that she knows this has happened before. Gosh...it makes total sense, I can't believe that I didn't realize that on my own.
As for those visits or phone calls with Daddy, he hasn't mentioned it at all but, thankfully even my children are showing signs of healing and they are learning to comfort and lean on each other in their time of need.
I have come to accept that it is time for me to move on. I can't keep kicking, screaming and begging, trying to get him to realize things from a more mature perspective and I can't begin to imagine what has him so confused. I do wish that he would have been willing to sit and discuss all of the issues that needed to be dealt with...but, I can't make him feel something he doesn't and without love, we've got nothin'. He want's me in his life but not to a great capacity and he doesn't want to discuss "us". I will give him space...he can go his way and I can go mine, just the way he wants it to be because that's the way he sees best. I'll let him go about things in his own foolish way, as we all have to learn the hard way sometimes. As he seeks happiness in the distance, he'll learn that true happiness was right under his feet and by then, I'll be dancing off in the rain with someone else.