In a homeschooling house full of 7 kids & 3 guniea pigs....there is never a dull moment! A lot of people show genuine concern for us and want to know how we are doing, as the road we've left behind was not a pleasant one. So, here I am, to tell some of our stories...share some of our days...and open up a part of our world to you! Come join us on our journey so you won't miss the moments that take our breath away!

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

If you love someone...

If you love someone... have to let them go

That's the way the saying goes,  right?

Well, I always said my mom was always right and I've almost never known her to be wrong.  The other day, I was upset and talking to my mom.  One of those real "heart to heart" mom/daughter talks.  The kind that I will long for when she is gone.  She said to me "if you really love him, then fight for him and don't let him go".  I find it funny that my sister said the same exact thing and we know she wasn't all to fond of my relationship in the first place...but they both agreed on this one thing and that was that!

For the past 12 days, I've cried...I've stared at the walls...I've forgotten appointments...I've blogged...I've searched for healing...I've tried to let go...I've shut out my friends and family...I've entered into a world where I have never been before and for the first time in my life, I'm so numb...I can't even feel me.  I've been married twice...I've been cheated on, lied to, we've survived abuse, went through a year long trial.  I've been through a lot...and none of it comes close to even comparing to this pain.

So, tonight...I asked a question that I really didn't want to know the answer to and I got just the answer that I didn't want and then I cried some more.  Then, I heard the echo of words Falcon said last week.  "You didn't even try to get me to stay".  Though, the reason I didn't was because it simply wasn't in my personality to do that.  It wasn't like me to put up a fight, but yet just nod my head and say okay. 

As I tucked the kids into bed...Macaw said to me "momma, this is so harder on me than it is for you...I don't understand...can you tell me again why daddy left me"?  Now, I'm not one to sugarcoat for my kids...even my heartbroken confused 5 year old...but, as much as I wanted to pour sugar on any answer I could give her, there just isn't even a way to sugarcoat this.  So, I say to her as I hug her ever so tight "Oh, baby, I know it is so hard and mommy doesn't understand either, but daddy loves you so much and he just thought it was better if he left, sometimes daddy's don't always make the best choices".  How do you explain this to a child who has lost the only dad they have ever known?  How do you explain that something that feels so wrong is suppossed to be better when you can't even convince yourself? How do you convince them to trust that other people who love them aren't going to leave them too?  How do you convince them that when people say they love them as high as the sky, they aren't lying?  How do you teach them how to trust again?  My children will forever be scarred, this will change the inner core of their very own soul.  No time will ever heal their wound. 

As I sat in pure silence hearing only the ringing in my ears and watching the room spin with my aching head...something sparked in me and I couldn't just sit here and do nothing!  I had to fight for something worth fighting for.  I had to fight for that all the things that made me happy, even all the things that drove me crazy and yes all the things I complained about too.  I had to fight for that glow that only he has given me, and for the only person who could get me to dance in the rain, the love of my life, my soulmate and my better half.

For the past two years, we have grown together...he was such a part of "me".  I begged, I pleaded, I cried, I sobbed, I fought for him...for "us".  I gave it all I had in me and drained myself for a little bit more and even a little bit more after that.  He really sees that him leaving is best for everyone's future.  He never did have the best logic.  He had the brains, I had the logic...that's one of the many things that made us work, we just balanced each other like that. 

"Now is not our time" he says, "Maybe one day if it's right we'll find one another again".  He never was good at letting go of other girls I guess maybe it's his time to revisit one of those old love' see if their time is right as they meet again...and if that doesn't work, maybe he'll see things differently or maybe one of them will talk some sense into him.

....and you know what mom, for the first were wrong.  I fought for him and I still had to let him go.

If you love someone, let them go.
If they return, they were always yours...
If they don't, they never were.


No comments:

Post a Comment