Wondering...

Dreams have been replaced by wondering.  I've been wondering about a lot the past few days.  My mind does not stop.  It's like I'm walking around in a fog.  My kids have been wondering too.  They wonder why I am so sad.  They wonder what is happening.  Macaw wonders why daddy always said that he loved her as high as the sky but yet, he went away.  When I tell her that he does love her, she says "he can't, because if he did, he wouldn't have left me".  I told her that he left because he thought that it was better, yet she doesn't understand how he thinks that is easier.  I wonder...will she ever trust again?  Will she wonder if I'm going to leave her too?  She really doesn't realize that he left me...how long will she feel that this is about her?  How long will she feel that it is her fault?  How long will she feel like she isn't loved?  In the midst of her own grief and confusion...she wipes my tears and she says "it will be ok mommy".

I wonder.....

How long will they stand at the door and look for him?

How long will they hear a car door and go running to the door, thinking that daddy is home? 

Macaw says that she will be ok without a daddy.  But I wonder...will she?  Will she feel out of place because she can't go to the Daddy/Daughter Dance because she doesn't have a daddy, or will she be embarassed because she has to take an uncle?  Will she wish he were there when she cheers her first basketball game?  Will she realize that he taught Emu how to tie his shoes, but he won't be around to teach her how to tie hers?  How long will she miss him?  How long will she ask throughout the day if she can call him?  When will she stop asking if she can still call him daddy?  How long will she grieve?

Duckling is lucky.  She is lucky, because she doesn't get it.  She is lucky because she is too young to even care.  I wish life were as simple as it is in Duckling's world.  Today, he came to get the rest of his things.  When he left, Macaw and I cried...and Duckling, well, she said "I want a new daddy, find me a new daddy".  It's amazing how they come up with these things and how easy they think life is.  If only it were that simple.  If only I could want to find a new daddy for them....if only their daddy wouldn't have left....if only....

Emu.  Emu is even more lucky than Duckling, because in his world, he really doesn't care.  Earlier, I hugged Falcon, and I cried.  Emu jumped up and down, flapped his wings and laughed, saying "mommy is crying".  That's just how it is in his world.  If only change and being out of routine didn't bother him, his life would be perfect.  He is quite thrown off by daddy not being here, he doesn't deal well with change.

I wonder...

I wonder why he thinks he never made me happy.  I wonder how he couldn't notice the glow that everyone else did.  I wonder where I went wrong.  I wonder if anyone else will love him as much as I did.  I wonder if he will ever hang our picture that we were so happy to find, because it was so "us".  I wonder if he will ever be happy enough to dance in the rain again.  I wonder why he really thought this was best and as I start to wonder what life will be like without him...I try to stop wondering...and Macaw wipes my tears as she tells me "it will be okay mommy".

Yeah...it will be ok.  Just as soon as I can stop wondering.